Studded Leather
by BrokenOutlaw
Summary: What would happen if Adam Lambert was gone? - A story of overcoming loss, realisation, discovery and grief. TommyJoe/Adam Lambert. Check out the trailer at: /1SZXQ
1. Chapter 1  Shining Leather

_Before i start, i wanted to say that this fic was from a prompt. I do not wish this on anybody. I am a HUGE Adam fan and a HUGE Tommy fan. i love them both to death. This is entirely a piece of fiction. I warn you that it contains some dark and heartbreaking material, but know that none of this is real. I would not wish it to be that way._

Laughing…smiling….joking around. That smile. That laugh. The way those eyes pierced into your soul but left a beautiful stain on your heart.

He had smiled that day. Hopped into the car and turned the key - his leather jacket caught the moonlight as it bounced off silver studs on the shoulders. His black painted fingernails wrapped around the steering wheel. "Crazy night" he had stated, and his eyes had then turned to look at Tommy briefly. He'd flashed a toothy grin Tommy's way and had patted his thigh lightly. There was a slight squeak as he had reached up and adjusted the rear view mirror, glancing in it. There had been cameras flashing behind the car, photographers blocking their path and there'd been yelling as cars started up behind them as the paparazzi prepared to follow. "We'll throw them off" Adam had assured Tommy sitting beside him. Tommy had smiled back but had glanced out the window briefly, watching the cars behind them swing out of their parks and stop behind theirs. There was a roar of the engine and Adam had pulled out - maneuvering the car carefully so as not to hit any of the photographers in front of them. As he drove down the road there were 6 cars behind him. Cameras were hanging out windows as they drove past. Adam had swerved down a side street, hoping those in some lanes would get thrown off at the lights. But paparazzi were dangerous drivers and as he had looked in the mirror he could see at least 3 of them cut lanes and a red light to keep up the chase.

"How many?" Adam had asked, his eyes still on the road. Tommy had shuffled around in his seat, looking over his shoulder and doing a quick count

"5" he had answered. Adam had just nodded, speeding up slightly. He turned sharply down another side street - a red car followed closely behind and a silver van pulled into the lane beside them. There was a roar of engines behind them as another car pulled into the street.

"They're not quitting" Tommy had thought out loud, but Adam had smiled at him

"They'll give up eventually".

He had indicated to turn again but the silver van cut him off. Adam slammed on the brakes so as not to slide into the red car which had switched lanes again and had come awfully close to scratching the side of the car.

"Shit!" Adam had cursed. Tommy was holding onto his seat, his knuckles white, concern written all over his face. Adam took a moment to re-assess before starting the car up again, backing back a few metres before turning as planned. Of course the two cars had followed.

The silver van swerved in front of him then back into the right lane - attempting to cut him off.

"Maniac" Adam had breathed - keeping his foot on the brake. Tommy had swerved round in his seat checking behind them

"Just the van and TMZ" he had reported back.

Adam sped up but had seen Tommy tense up out of the corner of his eye.

"They'll give up soon, we just gotta get onto the highway and they'll get lost in the traffic" Adam's voice had been determined but calm. Tommy bit his lip and nodded.

The car swerved and Tommy's eyes widened as he watched the speedometer move up as they neared the highway. He had never been a fan of fast cars.

"Think you should slow down" Tommy had stated, fear in his voice. Adam's foot was still down. He looked over his shoulder checking to see where the van was before swerving out "I got this" was his reply.

The engine roared as he went faster - now on open road - the van and the car still keeping up.

"Adam please…." Tommy had pleaded, frozen in his seat.

The foot went down further. The speedometer began to beep.

The van was even with them now - the red car had disappeared. "Adam!" Tommy had shouted, panic flooding him.

There was a flash of red in front, the screech of breaks, a flurry of arms turned the steering wheel, a bright light blinded them from ahead, the definite crash of metal and then….Everything stopped.

The smell of burnt rubber filled the car.

It was dark, but thick black smoke was visible as it had trailed up from the bumper.

Tommy had been thrown forward in impact before his seatbelt snapped tight and he was thrown hard against the back of his seat.

He had felt a sharp pain in his head and a surge of something shoot up his back.

It was at that moment that he had turned his head to look beside him….only to find there was nothing but wrecked metal where the drivers seat used to be.

In the darkness - maybe a few meters away from where Tommy still sat strapped into the car - something caught in the moonlight.

Buried in shattered glass and rumble - A black leather jacket with silver studs on the shoulders.


	2. Chapter 2 Shut the drawer

It was raining outside - he could hear the raindrops beating down on the tin roof. They made a pattern as they fell - musical almost. He blinked and his eyes focused on the ceiling.

He lay in the bed, his body seemed to be sunken into the mattress - a permanent crease. His mind blank - not thinking. Didn't want to think.

A buzzing noise filled the room and shocked him back to earth.

He reached blindly over to the bedside table, gripping his phone and pulling it aimlessly to his ear.

"Hello?" he croaked. The voice wasn't even his anymore.

"You up?" came Isaac's voice.

He flopped back onto his back, fixating his eyes on the ceiling again "No" he responded.

"Gotta get up, man. I'll come pick you up in like 20 minutes…and we'll go do this" Issac sounded enthusiastic.

"Mmm" came the response.

"Tommy, come on. Just Uhhh….just get up, get dressed and i'll see you soon".

They were instructions. Simple instructions. But both sounded so foreign and difficult right now. There was a beep as Isaac hung up.

Tommy lay there in silence for a further 5 minutes before willing himself out of bed. He stumbled over to his drawers and pulled out some jeans pulling them on mindlessly. His hands found a crumpled t-shirt and he pulled it over his head. He slid open another drawer and there it was… Black leather.

It was his own but it still looked like someone elses.

He ran his hand over the material, watching as it sprang back ever so slightly under his touch in it's folded position.

Tommy sat back then, curling his legs under him, his eyes focused on the jacket. Staring. Thinking…..

He was still sitting there when Isaac knocked on the door.

"Tommy, are you…"

Isaac lightly pushed the door open, his eyes settling on Tommy sitting on the floor. His expression turned to sadness when he saw the jacket in his hands.

"Come on…just leave that" Isaac said softly, taking the jacket from Tommy's hands and sliding it back into one of the drawers - closing it carefully. Tommy stared after it.

"Stand up we'll just…you got some shoes there?" Isaac's eyes travelled now to Tommy's bare feet but Tommy didn't seem to be listening - he was still staring at the now closed drawer.

Isaac pulled Tommy to his feet, but his head still hung low.

"We all miss him" was all he could say. Tommy looked up then. "But we all have to get through today. You're not alone…we're all here. That's what today's for. To get through this together…But you gotta do today, Tommy. You gotta come and say goodbye."

Isaac looked into his friend's tired brown eyes with concern. Tommy still didn't seem to be fully comprehending but he nodded slightly and found his shoes.

Slowly, they made their way outside.

Isaac dug the key into the car door before he noticed Tommy frozen behind him.

"Can we….walk?" Tommy practically squeaked, his eyes shifting rapidly taking in the car. Fear in his eyes. Uncertain.

Isaac looked down at the car then back to Tommy "Of course" he stated, realization sweeping over him.

With Isaac dressed in black and Tommy in his jeans and t-shirt - hunched and slow - the two walked silently to where crowds of people crowded around a funeral home in LA. All there for one reason…to farewell one person.

Tommy drew his gaze away from the concrete and forced himself to look up at the gathering crowd in a sea of black clothing.

He felt Isaac beside him pulling him towards the door. People threw encouraging smiles and small waves of acknowledgement Tommy's way as he entered the building - but he kept his eyes down, avoiding any conversation. As they stood near the doorway, someone handed Tommy a small booklet. He hesitated before finally turning it over to look down at the smiling face on the front.

The face was one he had seen a million times both in the news and in person. Part of him saw it as just another poster and for a brief minute or two, Tommy craned his neck over the crowds to see if he could spot the familiar person huddled somewhere chatting away to a group of people. But he wasn't there. He wasn't going to arrive late like he always seemed to. He wasn't waiting for everyone backstage.

With one last hopeful glance over the crowd, Tommy let his eyes fall back on the booklet and then float over the words under the photograph: "In loving memory of Adam Lambert".

Even now it still didn't feel like he was really gone.


	3. Chapter 3 Forgotten Whispers

The funeral proceedings seemed to fly by as if in a blur of events - like some dream….some nightmare, that Tommy still wasn't fully aware of.

People read speeches, there were tears, there were songs. A slideshow flashed by on a screen accompanied by a backdrop of music that Tommy once knew so well - yet now it seemed so distant.

Tommy just sat there. Numb.

This wasn't real, he kept telling himself, You're going to wake up soon - he's going to be knocking on your door telling you to get your lazy ass out of bed. But the words Tommy forced to repeat in his head over and over weren't doing anything apart from separating him from the event at hand.

Tommy watched as a tearful Alisan, accompanied by Brad, took to the podium. The room was filled with silence, only broken by the occasional sobs, as she unfurled a crumpled piece of paper and flattened it out in front of her. She opened her mouth to read, but only chokes of tears came out.

Brad eventually stepped in, holding a broken Alisan in his arms, comforting every shaky breath she took as the room echoed with her cries.

He cleared his throat and read from the piece of paper.

Alisan and Brad had been Adam's closest friends in LA - with the exception of Danielle, who Tommy could see was sitting near the front, her hair falling over her tear-stained face as she stared at the ground in a shocked state. They'd all been friends forever. All had known Adam long before this crazy life of fame had taken over, been there for every moment - celebrated every success with him, cried over every downfall and setback with him, been there at his very first live show as well as the second to last show that made up the GlamNation tour.

They had known Adam better than anyone else in the room - apart from maybe his own parents and Neil.

Their speech was heartfelt and laced with sincerity - every memory of the man packed into it. But nobody could even bring themselves to laugh at the small jokes that were designed to bring some light to the words. Not even when those words were coming from Brad - who for the first time, was not wearing his usual smile and bright eyes of excitement and joy for life. Instead, his face was unshaven, his hair a mess, his clothes still fashionable - but dark and not picked anywhere near as carefully as usual - and those large saucer-like eyes of his were dark, and tainted by a sadness deeper than he'd ever felt in his life.

It was obvious that even though Adam and Brad had ended their relationship years ago, Brad had never stopped loving him. They had had a great friendship that both men had hung onto and cherished for the years after, but even though there had been other men welcomed into both of their lives, Brad had always loved Adam the most. He was never sure if Adam knew that.

The tears spilled and splashed onto the piece of paper, causing the ink on the page to run, and the words to fade into colored lines. Brad took one shaky breath and looked down at the beautiful black casket covered in roses and glitter below the stage.

"I just wanted to say that i love you, Adam, and i never stopped."

Brad then buried his face into Alisan's shoulder and the two embraced each other as they cried along with the rest of the room.

There were more speeches. More memories. Lee and Scarlett both spoke of their time with Adam and how saddened they were that Riff wouldn't get to know his godfather. People from Adam's record company spoke of an amazing performer and a second album full of songs that the world wouldn't get to see. Neil spoke of childhood memories he had shared with his brother - nobody but his parents had ever seen him cry until that day. Brooke, and Terrance spoke of their time on the road with him - brushing on memories that Tommy had shared too.

But Tommy didn't shed a tear. Just remained frozen to his seat. Observing.

He watched as Leila and Eber stood on the stage, their hands linked, Eber's arm around Leila's shoulder, as both struggled to find the words to describe their son and how proud they were of him. They thanked everyone who had played a part in his life and everyone who was there for him that day. "He'd be happy to see all of his amazing friends all here at once with glitter everywhere" Eber told the crowd.

Tommy thought he felt a smile tug at the sides of his mouth.

He felt a hand on his shoulder then, and jumped at the touch. It was Monte.

"I'm ganna go up and say a few things. Do you want to join me?" he asked softly.

Tommy didn't say anything, but he found himself following Monte up to the stage.

Monte took the podium, while Tommy stared out into the thousands of sets of eyes staring back at him.

Cameras lined the front of the stage, recording the ceremony for the live television broadcast for the fans.

Everyone was watching and listening intently.

But Tommy never heard the words that Monte was speaking. He just stood back slightly, tense and fearful.

After a while, he felt the hand on his shoulder again.

"Tommy, do you want to say anything?" Monte asked, he was stepping back.

There was a gentle hand on his back pushing him up to the microphone.

Tommy found his feet moving. He was never good with public speaking.

He could see the sympathetic sea of faces, heads resting on shoulders, tear stained faces hiding behind wet hair as even the most waterproof of makeup didn't seem to be keeping up with the strain.

They were all waiting for him to speak.

They all knew he was in the car too.

Everyone knew he was the bassist in the band, the kiss at the AMAs, the person Adam was closest too while on the tour, the movie junkie guy from Burbank that would accompany Adam to some of the LA parties and struggle to fit in with some of the crowds.

They all knew.

The microphone made a high pitched noise as Tommy scanned the faces staring back at him.

"I uuhhh…i…." he stuttered with nerves.

The only face he wanted to see wasn't there.

His breathing became sharp.

He bit his lip.

His blonde fringe fell over his face as he hung his head low.

He forced his mouth up to the microphone.

"Im sorry it wasn't me."

In 5 little words everything he felt was out there. Everything he was sure everyone else was thinking had been said.

He took two careful steps back from the podium - his face frightened, his eyes like a deer stuck in the headlights. His mouth quivered.

He saw Monte turn to him - a look of concern and worry written all over his face.

And then…

He ran.


	4. Chapter 4 Memories to Blame

**CHAPTER 4:**

**MEMORIES TO BLAME**

It was Sutan that found him.

An hour or so after the ceremony had ended, when everyone had broken away to enjoy drinks and share memories down at one of the bars, Sutan found Tommy sitting down by the waterfront - his legs drawn up to his chest, his face hidden by his blonde fringe and his chin resting on his hand which was settled on his knee.

Tommy was thinking.

He remembered Hawaii, being on that boat with the whole crew. Him and Neil out on the biscits with Cam trying her best to throw them out.

Adam was sitting watching them - his shirt off, sunglasses on, talking to Sasha - who was happily filming the event from the back of the boat. Tommy had felt himself being thrown from the ring and he had crashed into the water, hurting his wrist slightly in the process of trying to hang on. But even as his head went underwater for a moment or two - bubbles clouding his eyes as he broke towards the surface - he could still hear that contagious laugh of Adam's from the boat - and suddenly it didn't seem to matter.

He remembered Cam pulling the boat around and Adam reaching out one freckly arm to Tommy.

"….like some drowned cat out there, Tommy. You should've seen your face!" there was laughter in Adam's voice as he pulled Tommy back into the boat. Tommy had smiled too, reaching his hands up to his head to see what his hair was doing.

"Come here" Adam had stated, and Tommy had looked up at him as Adam had run his fingers through the blonde locks, styling them the way Tommy usually wore his hair, as best he could.

"Thanks" Tommy had laughed, "Now get your ass out there!"

"Bet i can chuck you out in 10 seconds" Adam challenged.

Tommy laughed "Whatever Lambert!"

They'd always been like two little kids whenever a dare was introduced.

Within minutes they had climbed into the rubber rings and Sasha had let the ropes out slowly. Cam waited for the 'thumbs up' from both of them before she put her foot down on the engine, and the boat began to puff out currents of water as it moved.

"5 seconds, Tommyjoe!" Adam called out as his biscit began to trail off to one side and Tommy's to the other.

Tommy laughed and pulled a challenging face his way, before taking one hand off the handle and smiling Adam's way.

There was concentration in Adam's face as he attempted to steer his way into Tommy.

It was then that Tommy had felt a jolt under him and felt himself being flipped out into the cold water for the third time that day.

He heard Adam laughing as he found the surface again.

Tommy looked back to see the floating log behind them that had thrown him out, and cursed under his breath.

Adam was reaching out a hand to him again, a wide smile on his face.

"Told you so" he mocked. Tommy pulled a face.

"Here, i got you" Adam offered, but Tommy was pulling Adam into the water with him.

It was Tommy's turn to laugh.

Next minute, Tommy was clinging to him - his arm wrapped around Adam's shoulders - almost forcing him under the water.

"Tommy, what the…?" Adam began.

"There's something in the water!" Tommy shrieked.

"Says the guy who laughs when all the blood is being thrown around in horror movies" Adam teased, laughter in his voice, but he reached an arm back, and held on to Tommy anyway.

"Im fuckin serious! I saw something!" Tommy had shouted back.

Adam had just laughed.

The boat had appeared and Adam had gone to climb on board.

"Don't you dare let go!" Tommy had commanded.

Adam turned to him and smiled. "Just get on the damn boat, Ratliff" there was still amusement in his voice as Tommy had clambered on board, looking over his shoulder cautiously. He then cautiously leaned over the side of the boat, scanning the water for the shark he swore he'd seen.

"What happened out there?" Sasha asked.

Tommy wondered if Sasha still had that footage stored on her camera.

Adam pulled a towel over his head and began to dry his hair.

"Oh Tommy thought the loch ness monster was after him" he playfully pushed Tommy with his elbow.

"Did not!" Tommy protested, grabbing the towel now.

"'Ooh don't let go of me, Adam!'" Adam mocked and everyone laughed.

Tommy couldn't help but break a smile, even he knew he had sounded pathetic.

Adam had pulled Tommy into a gentle headlock and messed up his hair with his fist - much to Tommy's annoyance.

"It's ok, Tommy. I wont let you go."

Tommy kept his head resting on his hands when he heard someone sit down beside him. He opened an eye to acknowledge him.

"It's beautiful out here" Sutan stated, his own eyes looking out to the sparkling water in front of them - the sun reflecting from the waves as it oozed brilliant shades of orange and pink into the sky.

Tommy didn't say anything, half surprised that the words uttered had not been "Are you ok?" or anything of the sympathetic matter he had become accustomed too.

Sutan was looking at Tommy now. "Everyone's having drinks down at the bar". It had been a statement, but Tommy picked up on the question that hung in the air.

He hugged his knees closer to his chest and raised his head slightly.

"I'm fine here" he replied, his voice quiet.

"No you're not, Tommy" Sutan told him, his tone not harsh, but making a point.

Tommy looked away, avoiding the analysis.

"Nobody blames you. You know that, right? It was an accident, Tommy. If anyone's to blame it's the photographers that chased him - that drove him to it. You were there. But that doesn't make you responsible".

Memories and scenes from the night of the crash suddenly flashed into Tommy's mind, like a horror film on repeat - but this time he wasn't laughing.

"But it wasn't me who was killed either" the statement Tommy made was firm, his eyes meeting Sutan's for the first time now. "If it was me, there'd be like 20 people in that room back there, instead of the thousands. Everyone would tell some stories, maybe shed a few tears, raise a glass, and that'd be it. Everyone would forget me. Just like that. He had so much going for him, Sutan. So much. What have i got? Nothing. . . It should've been me."

Sutan looked pained. He'd never seen Tommy like this - sure they'd been times Tommy had been upset, and naturally Tommy was a quiet guy who was more likely to bottle everything up rather than talk about it. But this was beyond throwing everything into a bottle and screwing the lid tight. There wasn't anything Sutan could say or do to break his mindset. Instead, he threw an arm around Tommy's shoulders and gripped him firmly.

"That's not true" he said threw him a knowing face.

"Yes it is. How much easier would it be to be sitting here with your arm around Adam, comforting him, rather than me right now? If you got to choose whose death would have been easiest, who would you choose?" Tommy was staring at him, questioning.

Sutan bit his lip, not knowing what to say.

"There's your answer. Don't tell me it's not true." Tommy answered himself.

He shook the arm from his shoulders and pushed himself up.

"Tommy wait!" Sutan pleaded.

But Tommy didn't look back, just kept walking silently down the beach.

In the back of his mind, there was still the hope - the anticipation - in Tommy's mind, that he'd hear Adam running after him.

But those footsteps never came.


	5. Chapter 5 Soaked Reality

**CHAPTER 5:**

**SOAKED REALITY**

"Well whataya suppose we do? You know as well as i do that he's not ganna open up to any of us"

Sutan was pacing the room, his question open to Issac, Monte and Terrance who were all sitting on the couch, nursing their drinks.

"Well we cant just leave him the way he is - he's not getting over it" Issac commented, "It's been 2 weeks."

Monte nodded in agreement, taking everyone's comments into consideration.

"They were pretty close. Probably closer than any of us really knew. God knows what went on behind closed doors. He's gotta deal with this in his own way and we gotta let him."

Terrance was nodding.

"None of us are ganna ever get over it completely. All of us met through Adam. We're all here because of him - we all spent practically a year seeing him everyday. Y'know? I for one still expect him to just walk through that door with that smile of his…im probably never ganna stop expecting that. But yeah, we're all slowly moving on with our lives. The thing is, none of us were in that car with him. Tommy was there. You can't forget that. He probably saw….i don't even want to know what he saw. But its understandable that he's ganna need a bit longer to move on with life."

There was a mutual agreement within the room.

Tommy sat at a table at the back of the bar. He didn't know what he was doing.

Dave sat opposite him, making sure there was a top up in Tommy's glass whenever it looked as if it would run out. The plan was never to get Tommy down there and get him drunk off his face, but Dave had been living with Tommy and his depression for the last 2wks - the sole purpose was to get some drinks in his flatmate and maybe loosen him up a little and bring back that smile that was rarely seen by the public, but Tommy's true friends knew was hiding there somewhere.

The plan was slowly beginning to work - Tommy wasn't 'loosening up', but he began to chug back the drinks a little more readily and his eyes were beginning to scan the female talent dancing around the place. One brunette caught his eye and unwrapped herself from the pole she was grinding on and made her way over to him. She ran a delicate finger along Tommy's arm and smiled flirtatiously.

"What's your name there, Mister?" she asked - a seductive whisper underlying her french canadian accent.

"Tommy"

"Tommy?…..you ready for a good time?" her face was at his ear, trailing soft kisses down his jawline and then down his neck.

Tommy looked over at Dave, as if seeking approval that he didn't need.

Dave just nodded "Go get your smile back" he told him, raising his glass as a blonde bimbo sauntered her way over to him.

The brunette led Tommy into one of the back rooms. She let her hands roam up and down his sides, tugging at the black top he wore. Tommy arched into her touch - his inhibitions leaving him. The woman slowly began to undo his buttons until she revealed his pale chest. Her hands continued to wander.

Tommy closed his eyes. Even under all the layers of alcohol clouding his vision, he knew this wasn't what he did. He wasn't being himself. But as much as part of him wanted to push the woman away – a bigger part of him was remembering what it felt like to feel loved – and feeling that way even if it was with a cheap girl from a grimy club downtown, didn't seem like such a crime.

If he closed his eyes hard enough, he could imagine that the girl was someone else – someone he loved enough to go further with. But as his eyes sprang open, he was only greeted with disappointment.

The woman was pulling her clothes back on now, staring into a mirror at the back of the room and reapplying her makeup before pulling her hair back. Tommy found his own jeans and pulled them on – he didn't know if he felt worse for himself, or for the girl who probably would've had a better time with a doll in the way that Tommy had been to a deep degree, unresponsive to everything she'd done.

"Cash now or want me to put it on your tab?" the woman asked, zipping up her boots. Tommy did up the buttons on his shirt and threaded his fingers through his hair.

"Now's fine" he stated, and without thought, buried his hand into the pocket of his jeans and pulled out a wad of cash. "Sorry" he mumbled, he wasn't sure exactly what he was apologizing for.

The brunette simply took the cash and shrugged "Still pays the bills' she stated, shoving the cash down her top. She opened the door and allowed Tommy to walk back out into the bar.

Tommy searched the tables, but he was pretty sure Dave would still be getting his money worth in some back room.

He questioned calling a taxi, but the alcohol had seemed to wear off – leaving him with only a mind full of regret and a killer headache. He decided if he walked, he'd be able to clear his mind, but as he walked out into the Californian air of his hometown, he realized that there was more to clearing his mind than simply walking out the door of a bar.

Two men walked past him holding hands.

The shorter of the two rested his head in the curve of his partner's shoulder – his eyes half-closed – as they walked. Tommy watched after them.

He remembered resting on that shoulder.

The two men seemed to be too wrapped up in love to say hi as they walked past, but Tommy didn't care.

He kicked a stone on the sidewalk and watched as it skimmed across the road. He felt like that stone. Kicked around and now lying on the road, just waiting for a bus to come by, pick it up on its wheel and maybe carry it to a new destination – only to be kicked around again. Tommy didn't know what he'd ever done to be dealt the bullshit deck of cards he seemed to be living with.

He knew what everyone was saying. He knew the way everyone looked at him – concern wiping their faces, the old 'are you ok?' line being used repeatedly. They all thought he was going crazy – consumed by depression.

He respected the people who had just outrightly said 'you need to get over it, Tommy' in hope that he would just look at them, smile, say 'ok then' and everything would return to normal. But normal wasn't happening anymore. Normal got left in a heap under some rubble on some LA street as photographers had flashed their cameras.

Normal wasn't coming back.

The thought had crossed his mind, timelessly – 'there was a life before all of this' he would tell himself, 'there was 28yrs before this'. But he couldnt remember that life.

When he'd got the job working for Adam, his life had changed – he'd traded in boring old Burbank and movie marathons with his flatmates for a crazy international tour. When his Dad had passed away, it was Adam's 'glamily' that had comforted him and been there for him.

Adam's glamily - not his.

He'd seen the world and had the best time of his life. There was nothing in the world better than being up on that stage each every night as thousands in attendance cheered them on. Tommy knew they weren't cheering for him, but deep down he loved that aspect of fame. He loved that split second in the show where the spotlight would be on him and he'd do his solo piece.

He loved that life.

That rush.

He knew that before any of this happened, the tour had already come to an end.

They'd all sat in a bar in London and drank to the memories, and Tommy had looked around the room and couldn't believe that he was living that life – that all of the amazing people smiling back at him were friends he would keep forever.

He remembered Adam passing him another drink.

"Here's to Glamnation!" he had shouted, and everyone had clanged their glasses together.

Tommy had felt a hand on his shoulder and had leaned into Adam's touch.

"We had fun, right glitterbaby?" Adam had stated, smiling.

Tommy remembered nodding and half laughing at the nickname.

"It was rad!" he had replied, and Adam had almost spat out his drink in laughter.

He remembered when Isaac had stuck out his camera in front of them.

"Do we get one last international Lambliff kiss for the fans?" he'd asked.

Adam had simply pulled Tommy into a kiss before he could even realize what was happening.

"There we go" Issac had laughed, capturing the shot and then showing Sasha, who was standing behind him, craning her neck to see the shot on the screen.

He remembered Adam's fingers messing up his hair, and looking up at him in slight protest - although in actuality, he didn't mind.

A car alarm going off beside him snapped him back to reality. He jumped at the sound before looking around and realizing he wasn't in that bar in London anymore - he was still in shitty old Burbank.

It began to rain and he instinctively crossed his arms in front of him in an effort to keep warm.

He thought he felt fingertips running through his hair - but that was just a memory.


	6. Chapter 6 Burnt

**CHAPTER 6:**

**BURNT**

Tommy sat on the couch, wrapped comfortably in a black throw, nursing a cup of coffee injected with a small dose of whiskey - just to take the edge off. It became a routine.

Get up. Get dressed. Make a coffee. Watch movies.

He rarely made the effort to explore the outside world. That world was too full of vultures, of questions, of sympathy.

He preferred to stay in the bubble that was home.

He looked briefly over at his red bass leaning up against the wall. There was small fragments of dust forming on the neck.

The day Adam had died, Tommy had made a decision.

He was never going to pick that up again. He wasn't going to keep playing the song that Adam could no longer sing. That single instrument held so many memories, had been so many places. It represented the heart to everything that was GlamNation…And Tommy had made up his mind he was never going to strum those strings again.

He moved aimlessly to the kitchen where the scent of cooking navigated its way up his nose.

"Tommy, you wanna stir that for me?" Dave asked, pointing to a pot.

Tommy had obeyed and busied himself stirring the fettachine around.

His mind began to trail off. Back to noodleboxes backstage…to a place he once knew.

Adam had walked out of the bathroom - changed out of his stage clothes, and instead wearing some loose jeans, a simple t-shirt and a black beanie. Tommy had handed him a box of noodles and watched as Adam had gratefully started picking at them with his chopsticks.

"Great show" he had stated, and he had thrown a smile Tommy's way.

Tommy had returned the smile and pulled his backpack over his shoulder.

"That encore was sweet!" he remembered saying - But Adam had immediately detected something in his tone, something that wasn't quite right.

"Wanna talk about it?" Adam had asked, not feeling the need to ask what was wrong, because he'd known Tommy long enough to know that there was something eating him.

Tommy felt a hand on his shoulder and Adam was leading him to sit down on the couch.

"We gotta…We're ganna be late." Tommy remembered saying, in an attempt to put off the conversation. But Adam didn't seem like he was in any rush.

His eyes fixed on Tommy's - the hand still resting on his shoulder.

He was reading his expression, as if trying to look into Tommy's soul and seek answers.

"You can talk to me" Adam told him.

Tommy remembered looking at the floor - drawing imaginary patterns in the carpet with his eyes. He could feel Adam's eyes on him.

Adam had always been the first to pick up on anything that was wrong. But he was always patient, never forcing anything out.

"It's all ganna end soon, isn't it?" Tommy had spoken the words with care. Adam had nodded. "Yep, this tour done and dusted. Then we can go back to our lives".

Tommy felt like the word 'normal' should've been used somewhere in that sentence, but he knew as well as Adam did, that the word wouldn't have any truth in it.

"Maybe i don't want it to end" the words had tumbled out of Tommy's mouth and he instantly wanted to take them back. He wasn't sure if Adam needed to hear that.

Adam had just nodded, knowingly.

"It's been quite a ride, hasn't it? Its ganna be strange shutting the doors on that last day. But this is just the beginning! Think of next year, all the shows, the new music. Everything's gotta come to an end at some point. Otherwise we just live on a merry-go-round. We'd all go round and round and smile and love it…but even the carnival can get old."

Tommy had just nodded. He wasn't ready to get off the ride yet.

"Hey" Adam had spoken the word before he had reached out a hand and cupped Tommy's face, pulling it to look at him.

Tommy remembered looking into his piercing blue eyes, recognizing that sparkle, smiling at the pink bindi that was still stuck firmly in place between Adam's perfectly plucked eyebrows - but even under all the makeup, Tommy knew the real Adam - the Adam that walked around in his shorts and jandals, who got insecure at times, who missed LA and all his friends there when he was on tour, who without his cellphone would be lost - who under the fierce front, was really a sensitive guy who just wanted to find peace.

There was a moment where they had just looked at each other - taking in the essence of each other's eyes.

Tommy had become suddenly self-conscious and Adam, seeing the uncertain expression, let his hand fall away.

"Adam…" it had come out as a question, but Tommy wasn't sure of what other words he wanted to use to fill the gaps.

"Sorry." Adam said quickly, his gaze had fallen to the floor as if embarrassed.

He went to stand up, but Tommy felt himself reaching out and gripping Adam's arm.

Adam looked back at him and smiled.

Tommy stood up now too.

"Im ganna miss this world" Adam told him.

Tommy was confused. "What world?" he had asked.

He felt a hand on his cheek and then Adam's lips moving against his.

Adam had pulled away after a few minutes - but his hand had hung in the air between them.

"The world where this.." Tommy remembered the way that Adam's fingers had brushed lightly against his skin as he had careful tucked Tommy's fringe behind his ear "…is real".

Tommy still remembered those glossy lips on his, that warm breath on his face…the way Adam had then jumped up and opened the door, ushering Tommy to go ahead. Like nothing had happened. Just a smile on his face, as a reminder that it had.

But noone ever knew what went on behind closed doors…Unless you were the two people behind those doors. Unless you knew…like they did, that perhaps fan service wasn't what it was all about anymore.

Tommy was shocked back to reality by Dave shouting at him.

"Shit Tommy, watch what you're doing!"

Tommy pulled his hand out of the boiling pot. He didn't seem to feel the pain, he just stared at it rather blankly.

"You're burnt…here, let me" Dave was turning the cold tap on and pulling Tommy over to the sink.

Tommy suddenly felt angry, and pulled his arm from Dave's grasp.

"Leave it!" he snarled, and even Tommy had to question whether the tone he picked was a little too harsh.

"Don't do this…" Dave started, but Tommy was already striding away, holding his burnt hand protectively.

"I know i fuckin got burnt! I got burnt by a lot of things, Dave. But where was the cold water then?" he was shouting, and Dave was slightly taken aback.

"Im sorry" he spoke to Tommy's turned back.

"Yeah so's everyone else. But sorry doesn't mean shit, does it? At the end of the day you're still left with a burnt fuckin hand".

Dave fell silent.

He knew they were no longer talking about Tommy's hand in the pot.

Tommy had been burnt. But the fire that's flames had touched him, were not that of a boiling pot of noodles. They were flames from the fire of life.

And as Tommy had refused to get help from anyone….the swelling was worst than ever.


	7. Chapter 7 Sex, Drugs & Rock n Roll

**CHAPTER 7: Sex, Drugs & Rock n Roll**

Tommy knew that face. He knew those eyes looking down at him. He knew that extended hand.

"Adam?" he heard himself question.

His response was only a smile before Adam began briskly walking down the corridor pulling Tommy along with him.

"We gotta rock this tonight. Make it a night they'll never forget!" Adam's face was almost challenging.

He was thinking.

Tommy would've given anything to know what was running through that ever-creative mind.

They were on the stage now - but the lights too dark to make out anything but glow sticks in the crowd.

Tommy felt the warm lights begin to flood the stage and felt right at home when he heard Adam's vocals ring out.

The crowd erupted and Tommy could make out people standing, wide smiles on their faces, excitement in their fist pumps.

His hands seemed to find the keys on the keyboard, fluttering over each note - the tune screen printed into his mind.

It felt incredible to be standing on that stage, to see all the dancers and the rest of the band all come together to put on a show.

It was the first time they'd all been together.

Tommy could feel his heart almost beating out of his chest from the excitement. This was it. He'd made it. After years of playing around with his friends' bands, years of people telling him to get a 'real' job - he had finally made it.

He saw Adam making his way up the ramp - totally in his element. He fell into some kind of ninja roll, but recovered quickly - although Tommy could see the embarrassment written all over Adam's face as he got up.

Next minute, Adam was beside him. He was grabbing him.

"Don't be afraid" he heard Adam whisper.

Then his lips were crashing into his - fingers all through his hair.

Tommy laughed as Adam pulled away, a little overwhelmed by what had just taken place. He was still laughing when the lights dimmed and they were sitting backstage.

"That was rad, man!" Tommy found himself stating and Adam was laughing now too. The sound echoed through the room. The whole band was laughing. Like some kind of orchestra.

Tommy couldn't wipe the smile from his face as Adam settled down beside him on the couch in the dressing room. He raised a glass.

"To rock n roll!" Adam proposed, and the band shouted it back to him in unison as the clanks of glasses crashing together filled the room.

Tommy could feel a hand on his back - slowly moving, innocent and comforting. He saw Adam wink at him out the corner of his eye.

"You don't mind that i…?" Adam began.

"Na, it was awesome. Really shocked them!" Tommy heard himself saying, the adrenaline and excitement still in his voice.

Adam smiled as he took another drink from his glass, the hand on Tommy's back turning more into a pat.

Tommy instinctively rested his head on Adam's shoulder and Adam laughed, looking down.

Someone pulled a bass out from behind the couch and Adam grabbed it from them.

"Tommy, you should play something" he stated, passing the instrument to his friend.

"But there's just me…it wont sound any good".

Adam was pushing the guitar into his hand.

"Please?"

Tommy took the instrument and ran his fingers up and down the neck, taking in the shape of it. Slowly, he began to pluck out the first tune that popped into his head.

He watched as Adam bobbed his head to the beat, his eyes closed, completely lost in the tune.

After a while, Tommy stopped and watched as Adam's eyes opened and a look of disappointment spread over his face."Don't stop playing".

Tommy laughed. His fingers found another chord and he began to play another tune.

After a good 10 minutes, Adam opened his eyes again and Tommy looked up from the guitar to see that everyone else was gone.

There was a rattling of keys and Monte poked his head around the doorway.

"Our ride leaves in 5 minutes, y'all good to go?"

Both men nodded and Tommy stood up and packed the bass into its case.

As he clicked it shut, he felt Adam grab his arm.

"Hey Tommy, don't ever stop playing that, okay? I know that you can play all these other instruments but that" he ran a hand down the side of the case, "that's your thing, man."

Tommy smiled in appreciation. He hadnt been learning bass that long.

"Hey and thanks for doing that" he heard Adam say.

"Doing what?" Tommy asked, his eyes looking up from heavy makeup.

"Taking the ride with me".

At that moment, the world seemed to flood. The words seemed to echo. The scene seemed to blur. In the distance, Tommy thought he could hear his name being called.

Dave was shaking him.

"Tommy wake up! Dude, can you hear me?"

He put his ear down to the lifeless body spread out on the kitchen floor.

His eyes then travelled to the empty canister of pills and bottle of alcohol splayed across the tiles.

"Shit Tommy!"

His hands found his cellphone in his pocket, and he dialed an ambulance.

"Yeah, i need some help. My friend's unconscious…overdose."


	8. Chapter 8 Music In The Rain

**CHAPTER 8**

**Music in the rain**

He knew where he was before he even opened his eyes. The strong hospital scent drifted up his nose, and he knew he was alive.

He could feel a hand covering his, and when he felt a ring jutting into his finger, he knew it was his Mother's.

For a few minutes, he savored the darkness that he was blessed with when his eyes were shut. He savored those last few minutes where there would be no questions. Sleep was always peaceful.

Tommy liked sleep.

"Oh Tommy, you're awake!" his Mother squealed, her grip tightened on his hand as she spoke. She was smiling at him, but Tommy could make out the dark bags under her eyes, framed with worry lines. He felt guilty for having put them there.

He couldn't even bring himself to smile back - happiness, he was sure, was dwelling somewhere deep inside him. But he hadn't found it yet. At least, not when he was awake.

"I was so worried! When Dave called me…" she paused as tears filled her eyes as she recalled the events "…I thought i'd lost you."

Tommy didn't remember taking the pills. He remembered skulking the alcohol back. He remembered sitting on the floor, and anticipating entering a better place. He would be lying if he said that he didn't feel a slight tinge of disappointment when he'd realized that place was gone again.

Memories do that. They only stick around for a while. Some stay with you forever, others simply fade into thin air until you find something that pulls them back.

"Mom, there's something i have to do", his words were quiet, laced with a croak but filled with determination "I need you to take me somewhere".

His mother just smiled at him, her hand still not leaving his. She nodded.

It had taken her years to work out her only son. But this time she knew.

It was time.

The car pulled up onto the gravel before coming to a halt. Tommy opened the door before digging into the back seat and pulling his bass out.

"Can you gimme a while?" Tommy asked, and he managed a small smile in an attempt to reassure her that she could leave.

"Text me, okay?" there was a hesitant look on her face before she nodded and pulled out slowly from the carpark as Tommy closed the door.

It was beginning to rain as Tommy began a slow trek up the hill, his bass strapped to his back - weighing him down.

It didn't take him long to find it.

It was no doubt the most colourful grave there. Flowers, notes and photographs all laid out on the grass - if it was one thing that Adam never had a shortage of, it was friends and fans.

Tommy carefully moved some of the flowers to clear a spot, before settling himself down on the damp grass. He pulled his bass onto his lap and looked up at the one thing he was scared to face up to.

A single smiling face stared back at him.

Tommy took a single deep breath. "Im sorry, Adam".

He didn't know if Adam could hear him. Didn't care if he looked like an idiot, surrounded by flowers, nursing a bass guitar in his lap, sitting in front of a headstone, talking as if it would talk back.

Slowly, he allowed his fingers to find the chords on his guitar, and for the first time since that night…he began to pluck away at a tune he once knew.

The sound was quiet without an amp, barely heard.

Rain began to drop on his fingers and the strings began to screech silently with the water.

He watched as his hands moved up the neck of the guitar, familiarizing themselves with the instrument again.

As the song finished, the rain stopped, and Tommy hung his head and bent over his guitar - water dripping from his blonde fringe.

"It wasn't just my thing…it was Our thing" he said quietly.

He wondered if Adam was happy. If Adam was smiling down at him somewhere. Tommy never believed in heaven or hell - or 'the promised afterlife'. But he liked to think Adam was watching him….and somewhere, he liked to believe that Adam was bobbing his head to the music.

Lost…in the music.

Tommy reached out a single finger and ran it slowly down the photograph made into the stone.

He felt the tears he hadn't allowed himself to cry, finally making their way to the surface. They ran down his cheeks, unnoticed in the rain.

But through the tears, the bass weighed in his lap.

A reminder that even though the man was gone…the music would forever live on.

And for the first time in a long time

…TommyJoe was smiling.


	9. Chapter 9 Beautiful Disaster

**FINAL CHAPTER -**

**Beautiful Disaster**

They say when you're dying…you flashback over events of your life. You mentally write down everything that you wanted to do before you died - you mourn over what you never got to do.

I never felt the pain. But slowly, i felt my life leaving me.

The rain fell down around me. I saw the car in the distance. I saw Tommy's blonde hair still strapped in the car. And i hoped with everything that i had left, that he would be okay.

I thought of the people i would leave behind - my fans, my band, my family.

I thought of people i hadn't called in a long time, and i wondered if they would forgive me.

I thought of the lights hitting the stage and the roar of a crowd - anonymous faces dressed in glitter jumping up and down in platform shoes in an unknown venue.

I thought of smiles on faces, and took comfort in the fact that i put them there.

The whole idea of fame was always something i dreamt about.

The idea that people around the world let my music into their homes, let me into their lives, never really sank in.

I wondered who would remember me and who would forget. Wondered if i'd done enough to leave a sparkly trail that was my legacy behind me.

But above all things, i thought of TommyJoe.

I wondered what he would do after i was gone.

I saw his brown eyes in my mind, that blonde hair. Saw his head resting on my shoulder, his bass between us.

As life drained out of me and i drew in what would've been my final breath, i smiled.

I smiled for what i had done, what i had created. I smiled for who i had knew.

I had lived my life - done everything i had ever dreamt of.

They say you should only stop when you've gone as far as you can go. This was the end of my road.

I smiled for Tommy….because i knew he was still sitting in that car alive, while i was lying on the ground. I was grateful for that.

Sweet memories remained etched in my mind, and i felt happy that i had gotten to know him and that Tommy had been part of my life.

Tommy, i decided, was like a leather jacket…i knew my death would be like individual studs punched into his shoulders.

I knew he would hurt, i knew he would struggle to wear the weight of being in the car with me, i knew he would blame himself….but in my heart, i knew that through the pain - Tommy would still shine. I knew in time, he would find happiness again. I willed him too.

Life is one big beautiful you gotta get through the disasters before you find the beauty.

I hoped he would find that beauty that i saw within him.

The last thing i saw as i closed my eyes was a red bass guitar….painted fingernails running up the neck and strumming it slowly.

The image panned up, and there was Tommy's smiling face.

Tommy's smile was a gift. Few people had seen it.

I felt blessed that i had been one of the lucky ones.

My name was Adam Lambert.

As i lay on cold concrete, drenched in rain and medical officers ran to my aid… I wondered if death was me waking up from the dream.

If it was…i decided i was ready to go.

And for that... i smiled.


	10. The Analysis of Studded Leather

**Analysis**

**ok so analysis...**

**so right at the beginning there was the shoes...so that was loosely like, when he'd been put on the tour he got to kind of walk around in someone else's shoes for a while. Shoes also kind of relate to fans - coz as a reader, as a fan, you put yourself in tommy's shoes for the story...you want him to be happy...but you feel his pain.**

**Then on the boat...theres a line "Dont worry Tommy, i wont let go" or something like that. But that kinda translates to Tommy wouldn't let Adam go...he was self destructing, holding onto all the memories and flashbacks...he was 'drowning' in those memories...like when he went under the water...through the bubbles he saw adam. So later on when he overdoses….its like bubbles...he knows he's self destructing...but he sees Adam...so he feels its ok.**

**He didn't want to die...he just wanted to hallucinate and see the memories again.**

**The conversation "Its all ganna end soon, isnt it" "maybe i dont want it to end" it was kind of dawning on him at that point that it was over although he didn't want to believe it**

**The whole idea of the carnival and Tommy 'wasnt ready to get off the ride yet' so the ride related to adam and the life he had lived with him in his life.**

**"I'm ganna miss this world...where this...is real" relates back to the last chapter...because adam never saw it as real...it was always that dream**

**"Thanks for taking the ride with me" - relates to the car...that tommy was there for that final drive...he was thankful he had tommy with him**

**"Don't be afraid"... in the dream...in the memory... Adam was telling him not to be afraid to let go...both in the way of the kiss...as well as the memory.**

**"Lost…in the music" because tommy realized Adam was always going to be there...although not in sight he was still part of his life...he was just "lost" but in the music he was still alive.**


End file.
